My Valley Season

When I think of a valley, I think of a dry deserted place where people are resistant to go. A place where you thirst and hunger for more hoping to be filled. But it is also a place where your greatest worship can be offered; A place where your best praise can be exhorted; A place where MY will was SURRENDERED through perfect submission; A place where I’ve shared the most intimate moments with my creator; A place where God shared the desires of His heart with me, his servant; A place where a Servant’s heart was birthed.

I remember the day that I was lead into this season of the VALLEY. I had been feeling really weird the weeks prior and something in me just didn’t feel right. I tried to shake it off and attributed the feeling to being overwhelmed, but the way I was feeling was a way that I’d never felt before. When I think back on it, it was like I was ripped right out of my comfort zone without any fair notice. The feelings of discomfort that I felt were so overwhelming that I slowing began to slip into this dark, dark place. The atmosphere was changing and I couldn’t stop it.

My “best sleep ever” nights disappeared and I now found myself struggling to rest. Oh how I yearned for just one hour straight without interruptions from a racing mind; but that was far from me. “Lord what is happening?” I would often ask, with no response. It was like I was left alone. I felt the presence of evil so strong that I literally at some points thought I was going to lose my mind. I was hanging on by a thread and ripping at the seams. I was in the LIONS’ DEN and as much as I prayed, it seemed like I just couldn’t recover. My strength left me as well as my ability to think clearly and while all of this was going on, the only sanity I had left went to my roles of wife, mother, supervisor, daughter, sister, friend, colleague, peer and whatever other labels that society adopted me as. I did a good job at hiding what was really going on in the inside and only God and I knew, even though I felt I was in this alone.

I remember crying many nights and feeling like God was not there. Where was my God, the one that said he would never leave nor forsake me? Where was my alpha and omega? My beginning and end? My first and last? My prince of peace? I was so confused and scared and wanted relief but had none. The more scriptures I quoted the worse it got for me and I was beginning to lose hope and think that I would never come out of this.

I remember one day in particular where I was just exhausted. I was at work and felt like I was literally going to pass out. I left early and struggled to hold on while I drove myself home. Luckily it was only a 5 minute drive because anything longer would have wiped me out. I had no strength and literally thought I was going to pass out. When I made it home I immediately told my husband how I was feeling and we went to the doctor only for them to tell me that I needed to rest. I was angry with the diagnosis and wanted some medical term that would indicate what I was feeling.  Rest was far from me. I was too tired to even fall asleep so how could the diagnose me this way. I was hoping they would say anemia, low iron levels, low sugar or just something to make me feel normal. The reality is what I was going through, no doctor could diagnose; I was in a spiritual warfare and it had nothing to do with my physical state although that was the very thing that the enemy was being allowed to attack me with.

I went home that night feeling even more discouraged and not knowing if I was going to come out of all of this with my sanity. I laid down and my mind began to race like it had never done before. I ran into the bathroom, and curled into a ball in the corner of the room. I begin to cry out in my weakened state. I remember pleading for God’s grace and mercy and asking God “ Where are you?” as I sat helplessly in the middle of the bathroom floor. There I sat in silence thinking that I was defeated and that somehow God was angry with me.  Then I heard that voice that I heard in my “secret room” back in April of 2007. The voice that shook me to my very core and confirmed my belief ever so clear in the God of this universe. That very same God spoke to me and said, “ You are nothing without me, but everything with me. My strength is made perfect when you are weak”. I wept uncontrollably and had an “ah ha” moment. This was all part of God’s perfect will for my life. He had lead me to this valley and I was at a point where I needed to either accept His will or choose my own.

I allowed my spirit to take in all that was being said to me and my spirit responded with a simple ‘Yes Lord’. It was the perfect submission. I was submitting to God’s will during a time when I was weak and the natural tendency for me would have been to give up. It’s like God was telling me that accepting His will for my life would cost me some things—and my pride and strength were the big ones.

In my yielded state I began to quote all the scriptures I knew by memory that would confirm that I could accept God’s purpose for my life: “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me (Phil 4:13) . I am more than a conqueror (Rom 8:37) No weapon formed against me shall prosper (Is 54:17). He will never put more on me than I can bear ( 1 Cor 10:13). I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus (Phil 3:14).”

From that day forward, I have been in the Valley season of my life. Although it hasn’t been easy, I have learned to accept God’s will no matter what the cost. One of the key ingredients for survival is Trust and Faith.  See, I’ve decided that my salvation means more to me than anything in this world and I’m determined to live a life that will bring glory, honor and praise to God and I take that seriously!  What God did on Calvary over 2,000 years ago was just for me and although I can never repay Him, I can try to show my gratitude by living a life in honor of his name.

It’s not over yet nor has it gotten better (if I were to look at it from a circumstantial point of view), but I can say that I’ve learned that the Lord will fight for me, and I need only to be still (Exodus 14:14). I don’t know how long I’ll be in this season, but I will still glorify God and be content in the state that I’m in. In the end I know it will be a greater testimony which I look forward to telling.

If the Lord has brought me to it, he will bring me through it, and until then, I will continue to be encouraged through Psalms 23, “ The Lord is my Shepherd I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside the still waters.  He restores my soul. He leads me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the VALLEY of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” 

The VALLEY: PREPARATION FOR MY DESTINY